The Cost of Withheld Forgiveness

Years ago, as I was visiting an older gentleman in his home, he shared something that shocked me deeply. He described a falling out with his son and how he simply could not forgive his son’s treatment of him if he didn’t get an apology. It was, he believed, impossible. He mentioned a passage in Scripture that, sadly, he had misunderstood. What he needed was the truth regarding the passage and a desire to reconcile.

The passage he had held on to for ten long years was Luke 17:3: “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” The older gentleman had interpreted this passage as an absolute condition: that if his son apologized and repented, then and only then could he forgive—as though the scripture were an injunction and not an exhortation.

Other key scriptures, however, demonstrate this not to be the case. A vital key to understanding the Bible is to consider all the scriptures on a topic—in this case, forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21 states, “Then Peter came to Him [Jesus] and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’” Even Peter placed a humanly derived limit on forgiveness. Jesus answers in verse 22, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Was Jesus showing the upper limit to our forgiving our neighbor to be precisely 490 times, as though one would actually keep a running record of 490 individual offenses—tracking every apology received or withheld? Or was he, instead, using a figure of speech, instructing how our forgiveness should be abundant—so much so that we lose count? Luke 6:38 provides this guiding principle: “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” We should spend mercy lavishly and forgive preemptive of an apology.

I couldn’t help but consider with a heavy heart the decade of lost memories, laughter, times of joy, shared experiences, and natural bonds that should be a part of every father-and-son relationship. It struck me that the Holy Scriptures are clear on who it is that our sins are truly “against.” King David of Israel lamented after his grievous sins preserved for our learning in Scripture—of taking the life of Uriah, and committing adultery with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. He cries out in Psalm 51:4, “Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight—that You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge.”

Our sins are against God. Yes, we can offend others and treat them wrongly or harm them in some way, but always our sins are an affront to our Creator, the Great God of the universe. Because of this, we do well to never allow relational conflict to grow into a root of bitterness. The tap root of a tree goes down deep into the ground, feeding the upper portion of the tree with nutrients and life-giving water. Similarly, a root of bitterness also goes down deep, but the result is not life. Rather, it is heartache, sorrow, and loss if left to grow.

The author of Hebrews writes, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled” (Hebrews 12:14–15). The danger of remaining in a state of withholding forgiveness is corruption of character and a poisoning of the human heart.

Moreover, God states plainly that those who will not forgive others will have God’s forgiveness withheld from them: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15).

Many years have passed, and that older gentlemen—an unforgiving father to his unapologetic son—is now a memory. I don’t know if reconciliation was ever achieved, but a lost decade is a cost too high for any real or perceived offense.

Don’t let this happen to you or someone you love. Do all you can to be reconciled to others—and, most of all, “be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20).

Forgiveness is one of the most crucial aspects of the Way of life Jesus Christ taught. If you would like to know more, read the study guide What Is a True Christian? right here at Tomorrow’s World, or order your free copy today.