Is “Defiance” Really a Diagnosis?

As our children grow, each age brings different joys and challenges. Infants give their parents great joy as they learn to smile and can melt into their parents’ arms when they are rocked to sleep. On the other hand, infants cannot share the reasons they are crying or upset, and they are in need of constant care. Teenagers can articulate their problems (when they choose to) and can (usually) feed themselves. But they are far harder to rock to sleep! The joys and trials of parenting change from year to year and season to season. But generally, as children grow from childhood to young adulthood, the trials and joys of one age fade while others rise up to take their place.

One stage that can be particularly difficult, despite the joys it also brings, is often known as the “Terrible Twos.” Toddlers will start to test the boundaries of their surroundings as well as their parents’ rules. But with consistent discipline, loving correction, and increasing maturity, children will grow out of this phase—and usually, by about age four or five, no longer test their parents to the same degree. Or at least that is the traditional story.

A Prescription for Problems

Now, a new path is being paved by parents who do not want to face the challenge of disciplining their “terrible” two-year-olds. The first misstep is to skate through the toddler age by using screens and technology to pacify their children. Two- and three-year-olds are now becoming accustomed to using smartphones, gaming systems, and other devices, even though a host of studies indicate that it is best for children their age to have very little—if any—screen time. Nevertheless, an electronic game, television show, or movie is seen as a convenient way to keep children quiet and occupied.

But this approach does not help a child grow—and the tantrums often become worse when screens are taken away. Instead of relying on consistent discipline and clear boundaries to help their two-year-olds mature to the next phase of life, screen-reliant parents are stunting their children’s growth and teaching them that life is about entertainment and immediate gratification—and about throwing fits when that gratification is taken away.

This has led to an increase in children entering kindergarten with a medical diagnosis known as ODD—Oppositional Defiant Disorder. A child with ODD shows “a pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward peers, parents, teachers, and other authority figures” (“Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in Children,” HopkinsMedicine.org, accessed February 11, 2025). Researchers note that many toddlers who display symptoms of ODD will often grow out of it with good parenting! Elementary-age children and teenagers diagnosed with ODD are often those who have not matured beyond a toddler’s way of dealing with the world. Johns Hopkins even recommends that one treatment for a child’s ODD is for parents to be taught “how to discipline their child.”

Too often, an ODD diagnosis serves to remove the responsibility for a child’s bad choices and for parents’ poor parenting. Psychology Today notes that “ODD lends itself to overdiagnosis” since some parents want to use this diagnosis to deal with any misbehavior (“2 Childhood Diagnoses You Should Think Twice About,” Psychology Today, January 16, 2022). And thankfully, for parents who use the Bible to guide their lives, there is a helpful set of guidance.

A Better Solution: Parental Discipline

Scripture reminds parents to correct their children “while there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18). Parents must discipline their children, and they must do so while mindful of the future their children will have. Some of my children were far easier to discipline during their toddler years than the others, but they all needed some discipline. They had to learn that throwing fits did not get them what they wanted and that screens were a rare privilege—usually one involving the entire family, like a movie night.

Proverbs 19:18 concludes with the warning to “not set your heart on his [your child’s] destruction.” Regardless of their motivations, parents who fail to discipline their children consistently are setting their hearts on indirectly destroying those children. Some children sadly will reject their parents’ love, instruction, and discipline, following the path of the prodigal son (Luke 15), but parents can still protect their children from many pitfalls by not making excuses for poor behavior.

While the “Terrible Twos” might sound dreadful—and there are times when it feels like you and your spouse have a small terrorist in your house—it is also the age at which parents have the best opportunity to establish how their family will function. In many cases, this can be the time for parents to help children understand common household dangers such as hot surfaces, sharp knives, or heights. When children discover these hazards for the first time, parents can often attempt to explain them and give verbal instructions to keep their children safe.

For some toddlers, this will indeed work. However, if verbal instructions solved everything at this age, it would not be called the Terrible Twos! Parents must be prepared to use some negative reinforcement as their toddlers break rules or repeat offenses. Scripture instructs us, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Proverbs 13:24). While most parents do not use rods anymore, some form of appropriate physical discipline—never abuse—can correct a toddler who is too young for reasoned discussion.

With my own children, my wife and I used time-outs for minor issues and spankings for major offenses, along with loss of privileges as our children grew out of toddlerhood. We did not handle every situation perfectly, but we did stay focused on the goal of using negative consequences to improve our toddlers’ behaviors and help them grow. As most experts will also tell you, giving positive consequences is also a key to helping reinforce the good behaviors we want our children to grow in! This can be one of the most enjoyable aspects of parenting, if only we will make sure to slow down and compliment, hug, and play with our children.

Prognosis: Growing Up Healthy

When toddlers learn that there are consequences to their actions, they can mature into children—and eventually adolescents—who are both happy and a pleasure to be around (cf. Proverbs 20:11). Parents can stunt this growth by giving their children screens instead of proper discipline. Sadly, our society is not looking to help undisciplined children grow—it is looking to distract, diagnose, and medicate, worsening behaviors that good parenting can frequently solve.

Although some children are given to being defiant, parents of such children must still do all they can to help them understand the very real consequences of defiance—so that, when they are grown, they will be able to successfully navigate the world themselves. Thankfully, most children will respond if parents do their part.

It is easy to think of the Apostle Paul as an old and mature man, but he was once young. He reflected that to become “a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Parents can let their children be children in many ways, but they should help them “put away” childish tantrums when they are toddlers so they can mature into respectful children, teenagers, and adults.