The Cost of Withheld Forgiveness

Years ago, as I was visiting an older gentleman in his home, he shared something that shocked me deeply. He described a falling out with his son, and he said he simply could not forgive how his son had treated him unless that son gave him an apology. Such forgiveness was, he believed, impossible—and to prove it, he mentioned a passage in Scripture that, sadly, he misunderstood.

The passage he had held on to was Luke 17:3: “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” The older gentleman had interpreted this passage as an absolute condition: that if his son apologized and repented, then and only then could he forgive—as though Jesus’ words were an injunction and not an exhortation.

Other key scriptures, however, demonstrate this not to be the case. A vital key to understanding the Bible is to consider all the scriptures on a topic—in this case, on the topic of forgiveness. We read in Matthew 18:21 that “Peter came to Him [Jesus] and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’” Even Peter placed a humanly derived limit on forgiveness. But Jesus answered, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (v. 22).

Was Jesus revealing the upper limit to our forgiveness to be precisely 490 times, as though one would actually keep a running record of 490 individual offenses—tracking every apology received or withheld? Or was he, instead, using a figure of speech, explaining how our forgiveness should be abundant—so much so that we lose count? Scripture provides this guiding principle: “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38). We should offer mercy lavishly and forgive even before an apology.

Be Reconciled

I couldn’t help but consider with a heavy heart this man’s missed opportunities for laughter, times of joy, shared experiences, and natural bonds that should be part of every father-son relationship. It struck me that God’s word is clear about who our sins are truly against. King David of Israel lamented after his grievous sins of taking the life of Uriah and committing adultery with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. Scripture records his cry of repentance: “Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight—that You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge” (Psalm 51:4).

Our sins are against God. Yes, we may offend others, treat them wrongly, or harm them in some way—but our sins are always an affront to our Creator. So, we should never allow relational conflicts to develop a root of bitterness in us. The taproot of a tree goes deep into the ground, feeding the upper portion of the tree with nutrients and life-giving water. Similarly, a root of bitterness goes deep—but the result is not life. Rather, if it is left to grow, the results are heartache, sorrow, and loss.

We are told, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled” (Hebrews 12:14–15). The danger of withholding forgiveness is corruption of character and poisoning of the human heart.

Moreover, God states plainly that those who will not forgive others will have God’s forgiveness withheld from them: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15).

Many years have passed since I met that older gentleman—an unforgiving father to his unapologetic son. I don’t know if he ever achieved reconciliation, but time lost is a cost too high for any real or perceived offense. Don’t let this happen to you or someone you love. Do all you can to be reconciled to others—and, most of all, “be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20).