The Adult in the Room

No one enters parenthood with the intent of being a poor father or mother—but the stresses and frustrations of dealing with a vulnerable little person who does not always cooperate with us can sometimes drive us over the edge. This is part of our journey as followers of Christ, in which we continually face situations that stretch our ability to practice what we know is true. We don’t get to practice patience in a world where everything immediately goes our way. We don’t get to practice love and unselfishness in an environment that is always loving and selfless. And we can find ourselves demanding behavior of our children that we are not reflecting ourselves. When this happens, it is reasonable to ask, “Who is the adult in the room?”

The Bible instructs us to become living examples of God’s way, reminding us to “be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was” (James 1:22–24). Our children will follow our example. If we demand from them a standard of patience, deference, and respect that we don’t reflect ourselves, we are abdicating our role as the adult in the room—and failing an important standard of godly parenting.

Anger

Whether a toddler, grade-schooler, or teenager, one of the most overt displays of immaturity is the temper tantrum. We know that overcoming anger is vital to successful adulthood. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32). So, when our children reach the boiling point in anger, we look them in the eye and say something like, “Okay, take a deep breath. Count to ten. Let’s go for a walk.” We know that helping them control the emotion of anger will help them live a better life.

But sometimes we are the ones who face the anger challenge. Perhaps we’ve had a long and trying day, and our patience is short. Or maybe our toddler or teen is acting in rebellion, refusing to put toys away or do chores. Do we lose our temper, allowing our emotions to take control while we expect our child to sit quietly and respectfully as we rage? We can easily let our emotions get the best of us, demanding that our children be quiet and show respect while we give them a good tongue-lashing!

But who is acting like an adult? The older person angrily yelling? Or the younger one, taking the full brunt of someone’s wrath while sitting in enforced silence?

Taking Secondhand Offense

Loving parents can fall into the trap of becoming offended secondhand when their children receive healthy correction. When a teacher or other adult in a position of authority corrects our children for misbehavior, our automatic reaction may be, How dare you treat my children like that! Do we take such action toward our children personally—as if it were directed toward us? Such an emotional, defensive response might be expected from children who have not learned to control their emotions.

But what example does this show? Are we as parents behaving with gracious deference toward other adults in authority? Or are we behaving like spoiled brats? We may be grown-ups, but are we really acting the part? Our job as parents is to guide our children toward becoming discerning and wise adults, helping them through their challenges without acting like children ourselves. To fail in this responsibility is to set a poor example for the young people in our care, who need to learn their own lessons and grow through them.

Playing “BFF”

Another way in which a parent can miss the mark of being the adult in the room is by trying to be their child’s “best friend forever.” Scripture clearly places each parent in the role of a loving instructor rather than a “bosom buddy.” We read, “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother” (Proverbs 1:8).

Parents whose chief desire is to be their children’s friends inevitably prioritize their children’s happiness in the moment without taking into account their long-term needs. A child naturally skews these priorities, which is one reason why we’re told, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child” (Proverbs 22:15). Parents who are determined to act like mature adults will be more concerned with helping their children grow and develop wisely than with making them feel good during every possible moment.

Not Sharing

Another way we can abdicate our role of the adult in the room is by not sharing. We teach our children to share their toys, we expect them to share chores and the work that is required to keep our home clean and neat, and we explain to them that helping those in need is good and godly. But what about us?

Do we gladly share our time and attention? Sometimes our children want our attention, and sometimes they are content in their own personal worlds. They can seem unpredictable, but when they do need our attention, are we willing and able to act as mature parents and share it with them fully and completely? Or are we too glued to the television to listen? Is that video on YouTube so interesting that we can’t break away? Is that sports game too important to miss?

One of the most frustrating things for a child or teen is to feel as if he or she is not being heard. As parents, we should be mindful of the Apostle Paul’s words: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). If we are ignoring our children, are we not provoking them to wrath?

Becoming Honorable Parents

Paul exhorted the brethren, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth’” (Ephesians 6:1–3). This instruction hearkens back to one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).

But if we expect to be honored by our children, we must be honorable. Not childish. Not immature. And not just like their friends.

When Christ taught His disciples to pray, He said, “In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name” (Matthew 6:9). In other words, we are commanded to honor and revere God, our Father, because He is honorable. He is the ultimate measure of spiritual maturity—the complete “adult.” He loves us, just as we love our children. He wants to be close to us, even more than we want to be close to our children. And He always provides the perfect example of parental leadership.

If we can become examples of godly maturity, truly being the “adult in the room”—whether with our children or with others around us—we will become a force for peace and harmony and a godly example for our children throughout their lives.